“Thirteen Reasons Why” Are Simply Painful Lesson!

“I do not TRUST you.”

“You are trouble maker!  All of us are doing fine until you showed up and you make a lot of problem!”

“You are SO SNEAKY, and I can see you!”

“You need to move your desk by wall because you are always getting other students into problem!”

All of those are silent and deadly cruelty words being said toward me by one teacher for the Deaf as I just recently entered into seventh grade at Dallastown Middle School in 1985.  She have no idea what was coming to me, my parents just got divorced in 1984 and I missed my father so much as he is more than 3,000 miles away from me in West Coast.  Even I was not trouble maker, I was wandering and being very confused in attempt to making an adjust in fit to new lifestyle in central of Pennsylvania.   The environment and lifestyle are VERY MUCH different from Southern California.  I was trying to find connection in students at school.  The teacher are being so cruelty and not being so empahtic toward my situation.

Watching The Thirteen Reasons Why TV series was one of most painful lessons.  God brought me back to the road of memories and wanted me to jog the memories which I buried for LONG time.   I was bullied and been falsely accused for doing something I never did.  The feeling of hatred returned to me, God was showing me it is time to prune my hidden hatred for this teacher who did things to me.  Even to make matter worse, there are one student who are very popular at Dallastown Middle School had call all students to follow him in homemade gesture as he was saying to me:

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

I stood motionless and being so defenseless

I went home, I never shared things to my mom and my step-father, I kept all those to myself.  Even one student tried to get white Deaf students to follow him in saying: “Ku Klux Klan” but fortunately Deaf students will not follow him.

What did those did good to me?  It WRECKED my self-esteem and all I wanted to call my father and tell him what they did to me!   

Bully is DEADLY weapon to self-esteem is it cool? NO!  What do you think?  Think HARDER before you say it!

Little YOU DID realize that your action of bullying toward others will affects their souls for years to come which will brings the sense of hatred, anger, and bitterness.

I had been fighting with demons inside me due to alcoholism for 11 years because my self esteem was ultimately DESTROYED due to years of being bullied based on my character and even my disabilities.  Someone would make fun of my odd walking!  Little they did realized I was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy!

To make matter much worst, I wanted to kill myself because I was seeing myself as worthless and useless  because I was defined by those people who sees unworthy in me!

Bully is EVERYWHERE and is very UNCOOL & UNCALLED FOR!

Finding my life in Jesus have taught me about forgiveness and letting it go of all years of living in anger, hatred and bitterness.  I used to think and plot a vengeance against those who hurts me badly but God reminds me about importance of forgiveness will bring peace and joy in my soul.   Plotting vengeance will bring NOTHING good out of you, but it will make much worse than you think as it will do much harmful toward others, trust me!

I am thankful Jesus breathed new life in me!

It is why forgiveness is central of your spiritual growth in eyes of God as Jesus shared parable about unforgiving debtor:

Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.

“The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn’t pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market.

“The poor wretch threw himself at the king’s feet and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt.

 “The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, ‘Pay up. Now!’

“The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ But he wouldn’t do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king.

 “The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”
Matthew 18:22-35 (MSG)

So did it ring you?

Sound annoying about unforgiving debtor?  How about you?  Are you refusing to forgive others because what they did to you?

Refusal of forgiving others will bring cancer in your spiritual growth.

Encourage let it go!

Inner healing do not happens quickly it takes time.  Spiritual growth is a journey as we will prune whatever is hindering our healthy spiritual growth!

Let it go is BEST thing will happen to your life, it will bring peace in your soul!

Living in Denial Is Like Living In Unreality.

Living in denial can be considered as an unseen disease to your soul.

It is because when someone like your loved one, true friends, co-workers, or family members has been making an attempt to tell you something where it is bring harmful to your lifestyle and refused to acknowledge the fact.

It is living in a world of unreality and see harmful behavior as a good way to ease off your own unbearable pain!

What is denial?  What do it has do to with being free in Christ?  According to Mayo Clinic as it provided with perfect definition about denial:

Denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations — but staying in denial can interfere with treatment or your ability to tackle challenges.

Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. You can be in denial about anything that makes you feel vulnerable or threatens your sense of control, such as an illness, addiction, financial problems or relationship conflicts.

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/denial/art-20047926

Act of denial can be a sign of beginning of breaching the trustworthy among your cherished people who means a lot to you.  Rejecting in getting help will not get you anywhere.  You cannot fix on your own with your own strength!

Living in act of denial is like manufacturing your own toolbox without having any kind of blueprint based on wisdom and advice from others.

How many times have you told others: “I am FINE!”

Are you being honest with your own struggle and frustration in your life where the pain is becoming unbearable in your soul?

Do you think you could fool those people with saying of “I am FINE?” Think twice!

Let me tell you those people who knew you well are not truly this stupid!

Are you aware that denial is categorized as a mental disorder.  It is because of refusal to acknowledge the existence of the problem.

Great sense of unrealistic fear, confusion, and frustration is the outcome of living in denial, which can create a much complicating situation which would much damage to others such as displacement anger.

What is displacement anger? It is when you are truly anger at someone for doing something harmful to you even you wanted to lose your cool and hit this person but instead you took anger upon someone else.

False identity is another part of living in denial stage, for instance, I used to immerse myself into alcoholism where it turned me into a different person than who I am.  My addiction to alcoholism have hurt many people, even some of my behavior has been truly ridiculous.  I used to get drunk all the time when going to work as direct care staff and social worker because I was falling into depression and unable to remove my pain.  It is where I turned myself to alcoholism.

We need to learn to confront the reality of the problem!  It is no wonder Jesus Christ made a beautiful statement:

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.  Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives.  The burden that I ask you to accept is easy; the load I give you to carry is light.”
~Matthew 11:28-30 (NCV)

Are you tired of running from problems?

Are you tired of being told that you do have serious problem which require professional help?

Are you tired of masking your own emotional distress?

Are you stuck in endless mazes in an attempt to get the problem solved?

It is time to take up and unmask your own true feeling and learn to tackle the reality of the problem by LEARNING to ask for HELP!

Jesus in your heart will bring true joy and peace to your soul, but keep in mind problems will not go away immediately.  However, you will be given peace and be able to seek help where it will be filled with helpful guidance and wisdom.  You will be able to walk with Jesus in tackling your own problems than to fight with your own strength.

One of my favorite Marvel Comic covers is Amazing Spider-Man # 151 which was published in the month of December in 1975!  An artwork of this comic was beautifully done by John Romita, Sr., one of the best comic artists in the history of comics.

Why did I mention this comic cover?  The comic cover can provide with powerful messages and picture!  When I look at Spider-Man was wrestling against the reality of the problem as he was determined to get through it regardless complicating and ugly situations he was dealing with.

So are you willing to stop living in denial and learn to take up the challenge in wrestling against the reality of problems?

Are You Victim of Dexter Morgan Persona?

“Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply you have to be reminded it’s even there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are altogether… I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I‘m neither man nor beast. I‘m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo.” ~ Dexter Morgan (Season One, episode # four)

Dexter is a series chronicling the life of a serial killer prowling the streets of Miami is bound to leave viewers with many quotable moments. Dexter, a blood spatter analyst for Miami metro often shares his dark thoughts with viewers, allowing fans of the show to delve deeper into the mind of the meticulous serial killer played by Michael C. Hall. Because Dexter only chooses to kill other psychopaths, he has good characteristics as well as the obvious negative characteristic of being a psychopath himself. Michael C. Hall delivers each line so brilliantly that it is easy to forget that he is only playing a character.

Dexter is one of my favorite TV series because it has some hidden theological viewpoint on how it applies to our life.   I have seen many people who have been victims of Dexter Morgan persona even ME too! Maybe you said to yourself, “how come!”

My simple question, do you have a secret or dark side in your life that you never wanted anyone to find out?

When I first saw the first season of Dexter, it arouses my interest to continue to watch it the whole way until the final season (eighth). This character, Dexter Morgan truly blew me away. You know why? It is simple answer is we are secretly leading a double life where your immediate family members, your spouse, and your close friends don’t even truly know.

I let alcoholism define my identity and turn me into monster where I don’t see it as a monster. I used alcoholism to justify my own pain. I used different kinds of schemes in an attempt to find a way to get money to get all hard liquor to make matters worse; I stole many hundred dollars so I can get more hard liquor! I confessed I was once very devious minded person. Many people who have been dear to me said they cannot image I was alcoholic addicts because I was busy fooling them with my infectious smile!   Even at worse, I was very hypocrite Christian, I led Bible study, preached several sermons, and also been active in different ministry activities.

I tried hard and harder to hide my addiction to alcoholism and continue wearing fake mask in showing off how good Christian I am! To make matters much worse, I secretly drowned myself in booze when I was working as a social worker and I used booze to justify my overstress at work. Little I did realize, it is slowly destroying my work performance and even my work relationship with co-workers and clients too.

In reality, I am truly a MONSTER where my soul is very ugly and filled with many unspoken pains, I chose to become victims of Dexter Morgan persona.  Little I did realize that my action has hurt many people who I truly loved.

 

The verses flooded in my thought as perfectly fits about hypocrisy which apply of being victim of Dexter Morgan persona:

“I hate all your show and pretense-the hypocrisy of your religious festival and solemn assemblies. I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings. I won’t notice all your choice peace offerings. Away with your noisy hymns of praise! I will not listen to the music of your harps. Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteously living.” ~ Amos 5:21-24 (NLT)

God spoke to His people (Isarelites) through the prophet Amos because God knew their heart is darkened and been into something else to ease off their pain in their own souls than to truly seek God.  Israelites perform the religion ceremony without any true commitment to God because their heart is not after God!

Alcoholism turned me into a different person else than actually who I am. I went outside of God’s unique design of identity, of who I am! See how it was paralleled with the character of Dexter Morgan, he used different kinds of schemes to cover up the track which points to himself as secret serial killer. Little by little, his secret life as serial killer was unraveled (I prefer not spoil the storyline what was told in season one to eight if you want to check out yourself). Also, Dexter wasn’t being completely honest when he performed his duty as a blood spatter analyst for Miami metro.

So do you have your own dark side where nobody knew? Have you been running from something for a long time where you are at this point, you are truly lost a far from being yourself?

The truth is… For the past nineteen years, I have been running a far from who I am.  I finally learned the truth as God just wanted me to be myself and seek God with the whole of my heart as what the prophet Micah said:

“O people, the Lord has told you what is good and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” ~Micah 6:8 (NLT)

Addicted to Band-Aid!

 

I had to make big confession to everyone whom been dear to me, I am truly addicted to band-aid!  I let band-aid took control of me!  In your mind, you said “Michael must be nut because he is addicted to band-aid which is truly odd, he must be oddball!”  I think it is time for me to correct your assumption and your misconception about the true meaning of band-aid!  Let me open the box of band-aid and pull out the adhesive bandage, so what are it actually for?  It was true intended for protection of  cut from friction, bacteria, damage, or dirt. Thus, the healing process of the body is less disturbed. Sometimes they have antiseptic properties. An additional function is to hold the two cut ends of the skin together to make the healing process faster.  So my question for you, are we suppose to leave adhesive bandage on even the cut was being healed? Answer is no!  We simply discard adhesive bandage (we do normally replace with new adhesive bandage until it is truly healed then adhesive bandage will be no longer needed).

So why am I addicted to usage of adhesive bandage, so what the point?  Let me share something before I can say something about usage of adhesive bandage.  As avid comic reader, I had fond memories of comic storyline called “Sin City” series, it was wrote and drew by Frank Miller (Yes, he is same guy who did masterpiece work for Daredevil storyline, Dark Knight Returns storyline, and what’s more he is responsible for bringing the 300 to big screen came directly from his masterpiece work on 300 comic storyline) under Dark Horse Comic which was started in 1991 and ran for 9 years, it was published in limited series, graphic novel and one-shot comics.  Sin City was one of most popular comic stories being told in 1990’s which has earned several Eisner Awards.

There are one main character named Marv, he is original protagonist in the Sin City storyline called “The Hard Goodbye.” Marv always wore many adhesive bandages on his face and his body all over.  He has too many cuts on himself but more I read further through the storyline of “The Hard Goodbye” he is just a guy with too many hurts in his own soul, he was looking for a hope and a way out but ended up getting in wrong direction where it could cost his life, so he chose to run for his own life.  Even what’s more he saw there are plenty of injustice out there and he was framed for murder, he was determined to take law in his own hands but little he did realize it did much damage to his loved ones and his own life.  He chose to avoid his own pain which are his own withered soul!

I saw myself parallel with Marv when it involves alcoholism, I was truly anger at everyone & everything!  I throw out my own anger filled with bitterness words like venomous toward people’s souls.  I covered all my pains with adhesive bands in my own soul but little I did realize it truly darkens myself which led to do much damage to those people especially my love of my life.  I was blind to my own anger it is where I ran into alcoholism to nurture my own pains without learning to confront the reality and get it healed.  So therefore my addiction to hard liquor rum was sorta of like adhesive bands to my withered soul.  When the effective of alcohol disappeared from my body and I saw my pains return where it is truly unbearable to me it is where to the point of having repeatedly of being relapsed.  My view as alcoholism as my true intention to justify for my own behavior and action but little I did realized how I put a lot of displacement angers on wrong people which brought much damage toward them.

After my confession of being addicted to usage of adhesive bands, I realized I had to learn to confront the reality of understand what the true meaning of feeling the pains where I had to go back into the roots of origins where it is my true inner healing has truly began on 12/3/12, it is very long difficult and pain recovery for me!  I had to learn to wrestle with pains with strength from God not my own strength by seeking God wholeheartedly!

It is why God spoke to prophet Isaiah to pass those message to wounded souls of Israel:

“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.  Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool..”~Isaiah 1:18 (NLT)

People of Israel was chasing after false gods in attempt to fill in holes in their own withered soul it is where God kept sending major and minor prophets to send message to them and remind them to keep their eyes on God even in time of hopeless.  God wanted YOU not someone who hurts you it is because God cherished you and wanted to heal you into better person.  Do not let the past define your identity, let the identity be in what God has designed for you for His glorious!