Spit Upon Christ’s Face!

You better get off medication and you need to increase your faith in healing your mental illness!

Oh He (or She) abused you physically, verbally and emotionally, how?  Domestic Violence?!?!  You need to honor your spouse if not and you are suffering the consequence of your behavior!

You always come to church being drunken, You NEED TO STOP DRINKING too much!  Look at you, you are embarrassment to all of us in church!

List going on!

I knew you had HEARD PLENTY of cruelty message in church!

All of us are IGNORANCE!  We failed to see church as true place for wounded souls instead we see it as club for the SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS people.

My question for you how would you feel if Jesus Christ is walking inside church and watching you guys giving those cruelty message to broken and less fortunate people!

 

Believe it or not, if Jesus is walking in today’s generation, and trust me…he will still finds PLENTY of hypocrisy acts in church.  He did not care about your biblical knowledge or your talents in ministry field.  He is not concern about it.  He is talking about your heart!

My years of battle with alcoholism have left me with distorted view of church.  They would tell me:

• Stop drinking too much
• You are acting differently
• You are hurting others
• You need professional help
• Look at yourself, you are getting worse

Yes, all of those was said to me without looking at my unbearable pain, they are so obsessed one objective:

You need to STOP drinking, pray more and have more faith!

It made me wonder would Jesus said to me?  My answer is NO!  Jesus will come and sit down and give me hugs and touch my unbearable pain as it let be disclosed in eyes of Jesus.  The perfect love cast out fear as said in 1 John 4:18.  Finding comfortable place where restless soul can be soothed by God is greatly needed in church.

 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.~ 1 John 4:18 (NLT)

Unfortunately all of us failed to comfort and give gracious encouragement even take role of being advocator in help getting someone to seek resources where it is not available in church.

Often the members of church are untrained to help others or will figure out on how to “self-medicating” method in helping others where there are resources outside church.  Even believe it or not, grace-filled Christians are doing same thing because they do not KNOW HOW to do it.

God is EVERYWHERE!

Most of time, churches are untrained to handle the procedure of:

• Deadly Addiction Behavior
• Domestic Violence
• Mental Health
• Divorce

List going on all kinds of sensitive training is greatly needed at churches.

Are you licensed to tell others to discontinue their medication which help cope with their mental illness? Can you tell other to stop taking medication for diabetic, high cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, or other kinds of health condition needs to be medicated?  Think about it?  It is like crossing over boundaries of medical practice where.  Do you dare to mow your neighbor’s lawn where it is overgrown?  It is disrespect toward their property as it is not your property.  So therefore let licensed doctor handles it not you!  If you are concern just share with loving and gracious message!  They do not needs nasty message from you, they have dealt with it enough already!

Unfortunately, we NEGLECTED and to make matter much worst, we send cruelty message as part of our judging attention upon other.

SHUNNING others will cause their faith to be deteriorating.   Who is responsible for it? You…sort of!

When I was going through separation and divorce progress, I was walking like lonely warrior and I did not have any kinds of support group for marriage dissolution when my marriage ended at beginning of separation in late 2012.  I was confused because I was given messages with kinda of sarcastic, hissing & cruelty tone!  However, I did acknowledge those few true friends plus seminary friends who was there to send me very comforting and encouraging messages to fight through it.

Often of time, I wanted to relapse and tell the world F*** You and let drown myself into rum because I was given with cold and cruelty messages!  But I chose not to do it, I knew it will make much worse!  I chose to walk down the path with Jesus and learn to seek God than finding false peace in rum!

I forgive those who spit upon my face actually not my face upon the face of Christ.  Christ is standing by me as he wept over those His children who are ignorance and untrained.

I do not blame those who feel so scared or never experienced with situation but remember it is part of life journey where it need to be loved and be comforted.

Am I alone? Nah, I have heard PLENTY of horror stories from recovering addicts, mental illness survivors, and others.   I felt much comfort being with them because we are carrying the “Ragamuffin” gospel, it is what Jesus did on earth!

If you are not sure on how to help do not say those are uncalled for, just be listener and ask what you can offer to help and be good advocator toward whoever needs your time.

It is what Jesus did for us!

Mother Teresa, one of well-known and loving servants for God made statement about judging others:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Make sense?  If not sure just say nothing and be listener, and seek help (do not stand do nothing)…no wonder James wrote in book of James about it as he said:

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?  Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing,  and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? ~ James 2:14-16 (NLT)

Be wise in what you are doing and let it give whole glory to God!

NOT ME! NOT ME!

On one of beautiful late morning of Sundays, I was reading one of Locke & Key issues which was published by IDW Comic.  Locke & Key was one of best horror comic stories! I was flipping through issue of Locke & Key as my wife Sunflower was driving in deep forest somewhere on base of Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

Something caught my attention, I shouted to myself, “That’s it”

Sunflower was giving me kind of “huh” facial expression!

“Perfect for me to do blogging on that one!”

I scanned perfect picture of what I am seeing:

Does it rings me? You betcha!

Does it ring you also?

You need to ask YOURSELF!  I have PLENTY of stories to tell you about how HIDEOUS man I am!  I am MAN with too many secrets!  I always found a way to hid the bottle of rum, it is my self-medicating for my unbearable pain!  Looking at this picture above brought back painful memories where someone whom have been once dearly to me found my behavior very erratic.

Wanted to know one of my darkest secrets?  I stole PLENTY of money from those people even strangers so I can use their money to feed my addiction by making numerous trip to liquor store and get supersize bottle of rum.  Yes I am very sickening man!   I managed to manipulate those people who have been dearly to give me money or even let me manage their money.  I even deceived someone who have been dearly to me for many years that I will take care of grocery shopping but I managed to find a way to get cash back after paying groceries, so I can use those cash to get bottle of rum!

Another sickening thing I can share when there was big party at ballroom in honoring my old family friends.  I managed to sneaked into coat room and checked for cashes in their coats and jackets.  I raked in many dollars.  What did I do with it, GET darn bottle of rum!

I was HOPELESS man and I managed to hid a lot of those bottles of rum everywhere in my apartment when I used to live in Boston area.

Picture above remind me of unexplainable grace of God who found a way in my life and pulled me away by stripped everything have been meaningful in my life.  My sickening behavior was brought to light.

No wonder Jesus was very clear about sinful behavior will be brought to light as he said:

For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.~Luke 8:17 (NLT)

Make sense?  I recall when being alcoholic addict, I always came up with many fable stories in order to make an excuse for my immersion into alcoholism and also I keep saying to myself and others:

“I do not have any problem with drinking and I am not alcoholic addict!  SO NOT ME! Look at me, I managed to go work and do things fine.”

I was deceiving myself and little I did realized those people who are around me KNEW my well-being appearance are seriously deteriorating!  It is because I let booze WRECKED who I am.  I lost myself, and engaged myself into false fantasies and denied the reality!

Jesus was very clear about what he said in Luke 8:17.  Also King David mentioned about hiding sinful deeds which is like cancer to the soul in eyes of God, it is sapping the strength of spiritual growth as he mentioned it in book of Psalms.

I can relate much to an Apostle Paul as he said:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him,  even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.  Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.  This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all.  But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.  All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen. ~ 1 Timothy 1:12-17 (NLT)

Yes,  I destroyed those people who loves me and used them to feed my addiction until Jesus walked into my life once again on 12/3/12 when I looked at bottle of rum and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and time to do something with my life.

Jesus and I have been walking even since….

No matter how hopeless situation you are in…there is still a HOPE in Jesus!

“Thirteen Reasons Why” Are Simply Painful Lesson!

“I do not TRUST you.”

“You are trouble maker!  All of us are doing fine until you showed up and you make a lot of problem!”

“You are SO SNEAKY, and I can see you!”

“You need to move your desk by wall because you are always getting other students into problem!”

All of those are silent and deadly cruelty words being said toward me by one teacher for the Deaf as I just recently entered into seventh grade at Dallastown Middle School in 1985.  She have no idea what was coming to me, my parents just got divorced in 1984 and I missed my father so much as he is more than 3,000 miles away from me in West Coast.  Even I was not trouble maker, I was wandering and being very confused in attempt to making an adjust in fit to new lifestyle in central of Pennsylvania.   The environment and lifestyle are VERY MUCH different from Southern California.  I was trying to find connection in students at school.  The teacher are being so cruelty and not being so empahtic toward my situation.

Watching The Thirteen Reasons Why TV series was one of most painful lessons.  God brought me back to the road of memories and wanted me to jog the memories which I buried for LONG time.   I was bullied and been falsely accused for doing something I never did.  The feeling of hatred returned to me, God was showing me it is time to prune my hidden hatred for this teacher who did things to me.  Even to make matter worse, there are one student who are very popular at Dallastown Middle School had call all students to follow him in homemade gesture as he was saying to me:

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

“KU KLUX KLAN”

I stood motionless and being so defenseless

I went home, I never shared things to my mom and my step-father, I kept all those to myself.  Even one student tried to get white Deaf students to follow him in saying: “Ku Klux Klan” but fortunately Deaf students will not follow him.

What did those did good to me?  It WRECKED my self-esteem and all I wanted to call my father and tell him what they did to me!   

Bully is DEADLY weapon to self-esteem is it cool? NO!  What do you think?  Think HARDER before you say it!

Little YOU DID realize that your action of bullying toward others will affects their souls for years to come which will brings the sense of hatred, anger, and bitterness.

I had been fighting with demons inside me due to alcoholism for 11 years because my self esteem was ultimately DESTROYED due to years of being bullied based on my character and even my disabilities.  Someone would make fun of my odd walking!  Little they did realized I was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy!

To make matter much worst, I wanted to kill myself because I was seeing myself as worthless and useless  because I was defined by those people who sees unworthy in me!

Bully is EVERYWHERE and is very UNCOOL & UNCALLED FOR!

Finding my life in Jesus have taught me about forgiveness and letting it go of all years of living in anger, hatred and bitterness.  I used to think and plot a vengeance against those who hurts me badly but God reminds me about importance of forgiveness will bring peace and joy in my soul.   Plotting vengeance will bring NOTHING good out of you, but it will make much worse than you think as it will do much harmful toward others, trust me!

I am thankful Jesus breathed new life in me!

It is why forgiveness is central of your spiritual growth in eyes of God as Jesus shared parable about unforgiving debtor:

Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.

“The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn’t pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market.

“The poor wretch threw himself at the king’s feet and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt.

 “The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, ‘Pay up. Now!’

“The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ But he wouldn’t do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king.

 “The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”
Matthew 18:22-35 (MSG)

So did it ring you?

Sound annoying about unforgiving debtor?  How about you?  Are you refusing to forgive others because what they did to you?

Refusal of forgiving others will bring cancer in your spiritual growth.

Encourage let it go!

Inner healing do not happens quickly it takes time.  Spiritual growth is a journey as we will prune whatever is hindering our healthy spiritual growth!

Let it go is BEST thing will happen to your life, it will bring peace in your soul!

God do not call me CRAZY!

Being Christian means I follow Jesus not how people defines who I am in God’s eyes.

Christians are suppose to give comforting and encouraging words.

Did they?  They breeds more bullying, unlovable and hatred words.

Did God told them?  Did Jesus breeds the words that goes against the worthy and unique of humankind?

No He did not!

Simply he came on earth to touch those wounded heart with His an AMAZING LOVE!

Many Christians failed to follow His example of touching those wounded hearts.

Am I crazy?  Am I being cursed by God because of living with mental illness since I was diagnosed with Manic-Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder!

Jesus sat down and gave me warm words:

I understand you and I love you.

It is what was spoke to my heart.

What happen to today’s churches, they are too busy trying to say how much God bless them and attempt to “savory” others about how good pastor of the church is! Aren’t church suppose to be place for wounded souls where there are plenty of love, grace, kindness, compassion, and mercy toward those are are much unfortunate people!

Dealt in deadly battle with alcoholism, mental illness, and unsafe behavior pattern have left me become less and less worth in presence of people.  They are busy saying bad things about me.  They tried to tell me:

Stop drinking too much!
You are always drunk!
You are hurting others too much!
You are sick man!
What’s wrong with you!?!?!

List going on, are there any loving and comforting words involved? NONE, however there are very few Christian friends took their time to try understand me.  I said again…VERY FEW of them!

What church failed to see what Peter and John did with one man who is trying to find something in his own soul:

One day Peter and John went to the Temple at three o’clock, the time set each day for the afternoon prayer service.  There, at the Temple gate called Beautiful Gate, was a man who had been crippled all his life. Every day he was carried to this gate to beg for money from the people going into the Temple.   The man saw Peter and John going into the Temple and asked them for money.  Peter and John looked straight at him and said, “Look at us!”  The man looked at them, thinking they were going to give him some money.  But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold, but I do have something else I can give you. By the power of Jesus Christ from Nazareth, stand up and walk!”  Then Peter took the man’s right hand and lifted him up. Immediately the man’s feet and ankles became strong.  He jumped up, stood on his feet, and began to walk. He went into the Temple with them, walking and jumping and praising God.  All the people recognized him as the crippled man who always sat by the Beautiful Gate begging for money. Now they saw this same man walking and praising God, and they were amazed. They wondered how this could happen. ~ Acts 3:1-10 (NCV)

Did you see how Peter and John handled the situation, they was very determined to look at this man’s wounded soul than to enable him in do whatever he wants to do with money if he was offered with money.

Did church follow the example of Peter and John?  Frankly, I would say VERY FEW of them until you PROVE ME WRONG!

I admit I always thought I was sickening man who have been living with addiction in alcoholism and been engaged in many unsafe behavior.  I always blamed on myself as I thought to myself I am worthless, evil, and useless person.  It is because I took the definition of my identity from those society even church.  I was hopeless human being who have been extremely exhausted in fighting to try do good things but always goes wrong way.  All of those I felt that way in 2012 and I was fighting for my own life.

My stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me something where I never learned in past, God is very gracious and loving God who wanted to take care of me.  I was given verse:

“The Lord your God is with you;
    the mighty One will save you.
He will rejoice over you.
    You will rest in his love;
    he will sing and be joyful about you.”~ Zephaniah 3:17 (NCV)

Did God calls me crazy?  HECK NO!  God is madly in love with me!  I am His worthy and unique child!

Christians need to take example what Jesus did to wounded hearts with gentle words filled with love and kindness.  Unfortunately, they are busy saying bad things and how they rebelled against God even would say how crazy we are!

You have NO idea what I went through and the origin behind of my battle with alcoholism also what engaged me into many unsafe behavioral pattern.   You need to learn to listen to their wounded hearts which is filled with unbearable and unspoken pain in their soul.

LEARN to LISTEN to them and UNDERSTAND them.

It is what Jesus wanted you to do….

Show empathy, be compassionate, be gracious, and be lovable toward them!

 

 

Nobody Understands Who I am!

-Oh, you are taking anti-depressant medication? Don’t you have enough faith in God?
-Look at this person, he/she is truly insane!
-This person is so ANNOYING and talking REPETITIVE!
-He/She is full of anger and there is nothing good about him/her!
-Look at this person, he/she is truly crazy and why are he/she here?

There are plenty of stigmas made toward those people who are diagnosed with mental illness where there are no compassion, kindness, grace and love involved.

People living with mental illness are becoming unfortunate and less fortunate people in society even what become worse is it is already happening in Christianity communities.   How embarrassed, it is when being rejected by Christians where there is an epic failure because of no empathic!

I do personally admit that I am one of those among less fortunate people because I am mental illness survivor since I am diagnosed with manic-depressive and post-traumatic stress disorder!  It made me feel I am not being loved within Christianity community.

My BIGGEST question of all did Christians or should I say so-called Christian (it is because they didn’t actually have deep intimacy relationship with God) truly understand or do not even bother to do some kind of exegesis about “A Story About a Big Banquet?” It is a parable was told by Jesus in Luke 14:15-24 as it said:

One of those at the table with Jesus heard these things and said to him, “Blessed are the people who will share in the meal in God’s kingdom.”

Jesus said to him, “A man gave a big banquet and invited many people.  When it was time to eat, the man sent his servant to tell the guests, ‘Come. Everything is ready.’

 “But all the guests made excuses. The first one said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go look at it. Please excuse me.’  Another said, ‘I have just bought five pairs of oxen; I must go and try them. Please excuse me.’  A third person said, ‘I just got married; I can’t come.’  So the servant returned and told his master what had happened. Then the master became angry and said, ‘Go at once into the streets and alleys of the town, and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.’  Later the servant said to him, ‘Master, I did what you commanded, but we still have room.’  The master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes, and urge the people there to come so my house will be full.  I tell you, none of those whom I invited first will eat with me.’” (NCV)

Did you see a lot of those people turned down the invitation to God’s banquet, it is because they are too busy with their own affairs than to find time to seek what God has to offer!  Those invitations went to less fortunate people!   What make matter much worst those people who rejected those invitations left no room for love at the banquet!

It is exactly been happening in today’s church even in past time too!  What is becoming much tragic in ministry field that many of those ministry leaders are not trained or even being educated on how to help those people who are diagnosed with mental illness.  People diagnosed with mental illness needs extra support, encouragement, comfortable and even more patience.

You have no idea how difficult it has become of them in their life journey, it requires extra time to listen to their story and how they are diagnosed with mental illness based on DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which are commonly diagnosed by psychiatrists and clinicians.

Often of the time, the people with mental illness do have treatment plan where it will help them to maintain their life within society.  Also, you guys within ministry field who have no medical license have no business to tell what to do with their medications and treatment plan.  If you are becoming concern about them just learn to ask and listen to them and how you could be helpful toward them.

Number one Important of whole all things above do not even talk about them behind their back or make any kind of assumption.  If you do like that then you are not showing true love or showing cherish about them.  They are God’s children so treat them with love.  You have no idea how they have been unloved for a long time.

I wanted to close with verse:

“If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to life.  But a person who has no live is still dead.  Anyone who hates another brother or sister is reallty murderer at heart.  And you know that murders don’t have eternal life within them.” ~ 1 John 4:14-15 (NLT)