Truth Behind 11/27/12 Is Revealed…

Why did it happen to me?

All year I tried harder to be a better person, but there are ALWAYS obstacles in front of me!

Someone is trying to destroy my passion to do great things for God!

I worked harder to prove myself, but you saw nothing in me!

Why me? It is your fault! You are the one who turns my life into a hellhole!

I do not have anywhere to go and now look at me!

It is all those bitterness and full of anger was boiling inside me after I lost everything on November 27, 2012. My ex wife, Lori left me with no clue. When she left at 715am she gave me kiss and said goodbye.   A few hours later, I got a message from my pastor Michael Williams from Sovereign Grace Community Church, as he wanted to see me right away. I came to office, even I was very drunk after consuming large amounts of rum.

I will never forget the facial expression of Michael William, he was showing me kindness, courtesy and being in full of gracious attitude. At the same time, he was having a difficult time passing the message as he said:

“Lori is not coming back, you have a slim chance to get her back…!”

Everything I built and struggled to get myself better has been collapsed into pieces.

I will never forget the facial expression of assistant pastor Craig Gabel, he was speechless and he was looking down and will not look into my own wounding soul. Michael continued trying to calm my rumbling soul. He encouraged me not to text Lori or makes an attempt to contact her. I was ordered to stay away from her. Michael asked me, “Did you have too much to drink? You are driving the rental car to get here, you need to be careful.”

The next moment I can remember it went into the black all I can remember after my meeting with the pastor and assistant pastor. I walked furiously to the rental car and I drove through downtown of Boston, I began to lost balance of driving the rental car and I let it slam on one of parked cars caused the rental car’s passenger mirror side to fall apart.   I was doing on the true intention to get myself killed because I was completely unhappy with my life and was facing losing everything.

I cared less for the rental car’s passenger mirror side because all I wanted to go home; I parked the rental car in Zip Car parking lot near Malden Station MBTA station then walked for another fifteen minutes to my old apartment in Malden, Massachusetts.

I continued to drown into a bottle of rum.   The darkness ascended upon me and I texted madly to many people who I know and told them I do not know what to do next.  I called my mom and my former father in law and told them the truth about the collapse of my marriage as Lori and I are going into separate path.

I looked at God with internal anger and do not know what to say next to God.

All I can remember was sitting on the sofa and been motionless for many hours to come.  I hardly can get good sleep.

Little I did realize God was going to do something better and have bigger plan for me!

Stay tuned for part two on 12/3/12.

 

Are you Forgiving (or Prefers Tormenting) Yourself?

Nothing can make your life better and be at peace until you understand the true purpose of forgiveness.  The opposite of forgiveness is bitterness.

Are you being in prison of bitterness?

Are you anger at yourself?

Do you blame yourself for allowing yourself into a situation you are supposed not to be there?

Do you spend most of your life blaming others for making who you are?

Do you blame others for poor choices and decisions?

List going on!

In the season finale of Arrow Season Five, Slade Wilson aka Deathstroke made unbelievable return!  Yes, believe it or not!  It blows me away!

If you are unfamiliar with Deathstroke, he was one of anti-heroes/villains in the DC Comics Universe.  He first appeared in DC Comics in New Teen Titans issue number two in 1980. In Arrow TV Series, he first appeared in season one and played a large role in season two.  He is responsible for death of mother of Oliver Queen aka Arrow!  Really?  Yes!  He killed her!  It occurred in Season two episode number twenty.  It happened in front of Oliver Queen and his sister Thea Queen.

In season one, before Slade Wilson became Deathstroke he was allied and mentor for Oliver Queen in the flashback story before he became Arrow until the specific incident had truly enraged Slade (he was injected with an experimental Mirakuru serum after a near-fatal accident).   Slade was assumed to be dead, but later returned in season two in blood lust quest in seeking to destroy Arrow because what he did on an island in flashback story.  He was still injected with Mirakuru serum which turned him in different person.  It’s where he killed Arrow’s mother.  It’s a story of war between Arrow and Deathstroke.

Things changed between them because Deathstroke is no longer injected with Mirakuru serum because it’s worn out already and he’s back to his normal self.   He was kept in prison for years before Arrow came and seek his assistance.

One scene blew me off (Deathstroke knew he took responsibility for what he did to Arrow’s mother and did unfortunate damage to Arrow)…

Something made the difference between Arrow and Deathstroke:

Arrow: My past is coming back to haunt me.

Deathstroke: Seems to be a recurring theme with you, kid.

Arrow: Don’t know why.

Deathstroke: Well, it’s not really that complicated. You suffer from survivor’s guilt. You can’t get over the death of your father.

Arrow: Adrian Chase has nothing to do with my father.

Deathstroke: Kid, when it comes to you, everything has to do with your father. You and I are not dissimilar. We are both haunted by our pasts, and the only way to bury that ghost is by forgiving yourself.

Arrow: Forgiving myself for what?

Deathstroke: You blame yourself for your father’s suicide and everything else that has gone wrong since. You need to forgive yourself for your sins.

Arrow: You say that like it’s easy.

Deathstroke: It’s the hardest thing in this world.

Are you willing to forgive yourself for what you did to others no matter how serious it is! If refuse, then you are tormenting yourself!  You will let the past control you when you “rewind” your own life in the past.

I have heard countless statements from those who are tormenting themselves up as they said:

I should not…..

I wish I could do something…

I am dumb for getting myself in this kind situation…

Why did I put myself in this position where I knew it is wrong…

List going on!

All of those statements are putting yourself in a prison of bitterness!

One of my dear friends who I have been associated with at an alcoholic anonymous meeting and he used to tell me with very sharp and blunt statement (He told me in 2014):

If you look in past, then it is game over!  It is like trying to tell a horse to ride backward! 

He was right and I realized I have to move on so you need to do the same thing!  It is because I was having hard of letting go of one specific situation!

Jesus said forgiveness is central to spiritual growth and it will bring peace and new insight in the presence of God.

Bitterness is very dangerous!  It was spoken louder in the book of Hebrews as it said:

 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. ~Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

So do not let your bitterness become poisonous and virus upon others, if you do then you will create negative vibes upon others and it will do much more damage than you think!

Forgiving yourself is one of most painful things you can do before you finally can move on, TRUST ME I have been there, I always hated myself for what I did to my former wife (my first marriage) and those people who been dear to me.  I was never proud of what I did in the past, but I finally learn to find true peace in Jesus so I had to forgive myself and I can truly love myself for who I am.  It is because God made who I am.   God does not define who I am by past because I am redeemed by Jesus so I am making as brand new in God’s eyes as I am His child!

If you are still angered about the past, and please think for a moment how much your anger affects your family members, friends, or co-workers and did you see any difference? Think about it.  So therefore do not let the past haunt you instead let it be your lessons so you can make a bright future with the eyes of God!

NOT ME! NOT ME!

On one of beautiful late morning of Sundays, I was reading one of Locke & Key issues which was published by IDW Comic.  Locke & Key was one of best horror comic stories! I was flipping through issue of Locke & Key as my wife Sunflower was driving in deep forest somewhere on base of Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

Something caught my attention, I shouted to myself, “That’s it”

Sunflower was giving me kind of “huh” facial expression!

“Perfect for me to do blogging on that one!”

I scanned perfect picture of what I am seeing:

Does it rings me? You betcha!

Does it ring you also?

You need to ask YOURSELF!  I have PLENTY of stories to tell you about how HIDEOUS man I am!  I am MAN with too many secrets!  I always found a way to hid the bottle of rum, it is my self-medicating for my unbearable pain!  Looking at this picture above brought back painful memories where someone whom have been once dearly to me found my behavior very erratic.

Wanted to know one of my darkest secrets?  I stole PLENTY of money from those people even strangers so I can use their money to feed my addiction by making numerous trip to liquor store and get supersize bottle of rum.  Yes I am very sickening man!   I managed to manipulate those people who have been dearly to give me money or even let me manage their money.  I even deceived someone who have been dearly to me for many years that I will take care of grocery shopping but I managed to find a way to get cash back after paying groceries, so I can use those cash to get bottle of rum!

Another sickening thing I can share when there was big party at ballroom in honoring my old family friends.  I managed to sneaked into coat room and checked for cashes in their coats and jackets.  I raked in many dollars.  What did I do with it, GET darn bottle of rum!

I was HOPELESS man and I managed to hid a lot of those bottles of rum everywhere in my apartment when I used to live in Boston area.

Picture above remind me of unexplainable grace of God who found a way in my life and pulled me away by stripped everything have been meaningful in my life.  My sickening behavior was brought to light.

No wonder Jesus was very clear about sinful behavior will be brought to light as he said:

For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.~Luke 8:17 (NLT)

Make sense?  I recall when being alcoholic addict, I always came up with many fable stories in order to make an excuse for my immersion into alcoholism and also I keep saying to myself and others:

“I do not have any problem with drinking and I am not alcoholic addict!  SO NOT ME! Look at me, I managed to go work and do things fine.”

I was deceiving myself and little I did realized those people who are around me KNEW my well-being appearance are seriously deteriorating!  It is because I let booze WRECKED who I am.  I lost myself, and engaged myself into false fantasies and denied the reality!

Jesus was very clear about what he said in Luke 8:17.  Also King David mentioned about hiding sinful deeds which is like cancer to the soul in eyes of God, it is sapping the strength of spiritual growth as he mentioned it in book of Psalms.

I can relate much to an Apostle Paul as he said:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him,  even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.  Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.  This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all.  But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.  All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen. ~ 1 Timothy 1:12-17 (NLT)

Yes,  I destroyed those people who loves me and used them to feed my addiction until Jesus walked into my life once again on 12/3/12 when I looked at bottle of rum and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and time to do something with my life.

Jesus and I have been walking even since….

No matter how hopeless situation you are in…there is still a HOPE in Jesus!

Past Can Be Your Enemy or Lesson!

If I could go back in past and changed for better and I would have seen the better life!

I should have not do it…

I blame this person for destroying my life!

Everyone is neglecting me because who I am, let me go in past to change it!

List goes on!

It is very common reactions I received based on my conversation with strangers, friends, and families.

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE…I did not say some of us or several of us, had issues with their own past.  I recall my conversation with someone who I considered to be my spiritual mother during my early years of walking with Lord.  She used to say, “Everyone comes from broken home, even they have beautiful and loving family but there are still broken.  It is because EVERYONE have their own insecure in their own identity where it is missed from their life journey.”

On third season premiere of The Flash TV series which introduced the Flashpoint which was hinted during season two finale.  Barry Allen aka The Flash went into time traveling into the past to alter the timeline by saving his mother from being killed at hand of Reserve Flash. Flashpoint details an altered DC Universe and its timeline as it changed Barry Allen’s relationship with his loved ones in good and bad ways.  The Flashpoint storyline comic was originally published in 2011 by DC Comics, and it is one of best storylines in history.

Before The Flash jumped into past, he had difficult time dealing with death of his mother when he was boy at the hand of Reserve Flash.  The Flash witnessed the murder of his mother have caused to frame his own father and placed him in prison.   The Flash was being foster fathered by Joe West whom is a police detective, father of Iris West, following Barry Allen’s parents, Nora Allen’s death and Henry Allen’s incarceration.

All of us have common with Barry Allen, we had hard time letting go of our past!  He refused to let it go, he lived in bitterness about his death of his mother and his father being framed for murder.  He envisioned perfect family and he wished to grow up whole his childhood with his parents!  He was true superhero as The Flash at same time, he was man of anger.  His anger has caused him to have difficult time developing stability relationship with his loved ones and co-workers.  Also, he was struggling with sense of self-worth because of absence of his parents.  He hard time forgiving himself for letting his anger doing much harmful to those whom is dear to him.

Do you truly forgive yourself and others for what damage has been done toward you?  How can you define forgive?  In simple way of meaning: letting go, to pardon or acquit of sins.  Forgiving yourself and others in God’s eyes will enhance God to handle those problem in His way not your way.  Jesus was very clear about it as he said:

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins…” ~ Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

Forgiveness and Restoration is part of God’s natural character for God is full of grace and love.  Nothing can make God refuse your sin until you seek God with your whole heart.

Barry Allen aka The Flash recognized that after he saved his mother from Reserve Flash have caused much complicated in his life circumstances with his families, friends and co workers, some of them have went sour with Barry Allen.  It came to his sense that past need to be left in past and cannot be changed but only he can change about his past is to use as lesson for his life journey.

He was very determined to restore the timeline again by leaving the death of his mother in past and return to his current timeline.  Unfortunately, there are still some damage done to his current timeline which created another new reality of his timeline.  It is because he dared to travel back in time to fixed but it did have big effect on his current timeline, so therefore Barry Allen aka The Flash learned his expensive lesson and focus on making progress of restoration.

Our past can be filled with ugliness circumstances and what done damage to us have caused us to be etched for years.  Living in past than to seek forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration will cause to live in bitterness and anger can do much damage to whom are truly dear to us.

One of dear friends of mine whom I have work closely in past at Deaf Teen Ministry camp used to say:

Ongoing negative thinking will cause you to have impact on your life perspective and it can be very toxic perspective.

Remember we are not product of the past, so let close the door of past and not to open it again, or should I say “do not fish” at this lake since it is heavily polluted.

I wanted you to take look at one of scenes was taken out from Flashpoint comic storyline:

Reserve Flash is one of most deadly villains in The Flash universe, he wanted to do anything to destroy Barry Allen and all of his loved ones.  Reserve Flash wants to remind Barry Allen aka The Flash about his past life and his poor decision.  Reserve Flash reflects much like Satan.  Satan is known as the accuser and wants to remind you of your past filled with regrets.

Do not let it happen to you!  You are the product of the present and future, so let change be made and it starts with YOU! Healing is long-term journey, it is NOT like express lane or overnight change.   It takes time.  Seek God with whole of your heart and be honest with yourself.

 

Be Yourself!

One afternoon at the campus of Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary in beautiful small town, South Hamilton, I was sitting in front of my professor, Steve Kang.  During sitting in Professor Kang’s office, my mind was pondering over many things after he made stunning statement:

“During your stay around here, I wanted you to know God just wanted you to be YOU!”

This statement above made me feels like brick just hit my nose so hard and caused to bleed badly!  It is because I told Professor Kang with an assumption as I said, “I believed God called me to be pastor or teacher…”  Professor Kang cut me off and said this statement above.

For years, I lived in people’s expectation and let them defines my identity based on how I exercised God’s given gift which mislead me into many assumption path.   People keep telling me:

Look at Michael, he got gift to be into pastoral ministry!

Michael, you got gift of being evangelist!

Wow, I wish Michael is our pastor of our church!

List going on!

Before I can goes further about finding true self in yourself.   I would like to share one scenario from page of Infinity Crusade # 6 which was written by Jim Starlin and drew by Ron Lim.  It is one of milestone and classic storyline in history of Marvel Comics.   One of most deadly villain known as Thanos which was known as The Mad Titan (You can easily spot his appearance in post-credit of film Avengers & Avengers: Age of Ultron and Guardian of the Galaxy).

Thanos was willing to offer assistance to one of his enemies, Adam Warlock, and they accomplished mission in destroying cosmic egg to prevent big blow to earth.  I wanted you to look at their conversation:

Obviously, you can see how Adam was telling something to Thanos in about being hero.  Thanos retorted back in attempt to defense his own identity as who he is.  He is not interested in letting Adam make perspective about Thanos.  Thanos wanted to be Thanos that all at same time he have his own missions to seek else than just superheroes’ vision!  So bottom line of all, be yourself!  Are you curious at full page of their conversation so here it is:

 

I had to deconstruct (unlearn) my programmed way of thinking on how those people tell me!  It is where my true life in presence of God began on November 29, 2012!   This date will forever be remembered as turning point in my life.  I re-discover my walk with God with all new meaningful perspective.

Since childhood, I was movie buff and comic guru/geek and always had great love about it because I sense there are much analogy in them.   I let someone take away my identity and my passion and re shape me with something which I did not find anything enjoyable.

In my walk with God, I returned to my old root of my passion of being movie buff and comic guru/geek and I learned to use those as analogy and how it reflects our walk with God and importance of finding true meaning of life in presence of God.

It is where I finally learn to enjoy my freedom in presence of God, it is true beginning of discovering true identity in Christ.  If people do not like what I am doing as movie buff and comic guru/geek then so therefore it is not my problem, it is their problem!

To be yourself, you need to be truly free from those toxic people where they will not let you be yourself.  In order to be truly be yourself is already verified beautifully by Jesus as he engaged in conversation with one expert on religious law:

Jesus said, “What is written in the law? What do you read there?”

The man answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.”Also, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

Jesus said to him, “Your answer is right. Do this and you will live.” ~Luke 10:27-28 (NCV)

Loving God as first thing to do will bring the true love of self-acceptance because getting in an intimacy relationship will bring you to the point where God wanted you to be YOU!