NOT ME! NOT ME!

On one of beautiful late morning of Sundays, I was reading one of Locke & Key issues which was published by IDW Comic.  Locke & Key was one of best horror comic stories! I was flipping through issue of Locke & Key as my wife Sunflower was driving in deep forest somewhere on base of Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

Something caught my attention, I shouted to myself, “That’s it”

Sunflower was giving me kind of “huh” facial expression!

“Perfect for me to do blogging on that one!”

I scanned perfect picture of what I am seeing:

Does it rings me? You betcha!

Does it ring you also?

You need to ask YOURSELF!  I have PLENTY of stories to tell you about how HIDEOUS man I am!  I am MAN with too many secrets!  I always found a way to hid the bottle of rum, it is my self-medicating for my unbearable pain!  Looking at this picture above brought back painful memories where someone whom have been once dearly to me found my behavior very erratic.

Wanted to know one of my darkest secrets?  I stole PLENTY of money from those people even strangers so I can use their money to feed my addiction by making numerous trip to liquor store and get supersize bottle of rum.  Yes I am very sickening man!   I managed to manipulate those people who have been dearly to give me money or even let me manage their money.  I even deceived someone who have been dearly to me for many years that I will take care of grocery shopping but I managed to find a way to get cash back after paying groceries, so I can use those cash to get bottle of rum!

Another sickening thing I can share when there was big party at ballroom in honoring my old family friends.  I managed to sneaked into coat room and checked for cashes in their coats and jackets.  I raked in many dollars.  What did I do with it, GET darn bottle of rum!

I was HOPELESS man and I managed to hid a lot of those bottles of rum everywhere in my apartment when I used to live in Boston area.

Picture above remind me of unexplainable grace of God who found a way in my life and pulled me away by stripped everything have been meaningful in my life.  My sickening behavior was brought to light.

No wonder Jesus was very clear about sinful behavior will be brought to light as he said:

For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.~Luke 8:17 (NLT)

Make sense?  I recall when being alcoholic addict, I always came up with many fable stories in order to make an excuse for my immersion into alcoholism and also I keep saying to myself and others:

“I do not have any problem with drinking and I am not alcoholic addict!  SO NOT ME! Look at me, I managed to go work and do things fine.”

I was deceiving myself and little I did realized those people who are around me KNEW my well-being appearance are seriously deteriorating!  It is because I let booze WRECKED who I am.  I lost myself, and engaged myself into false fantasies and denied the reality!

Jesus was very clear about what he said in Luke 8:17.  Also King David mentioned about hiding sinful deeds which is like cancer to the soul in eyes of God, it is sapping the strength of spiritual growth as he mentioned it in book of Psalms.

I can relate much to an Apostle Paul as he said:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him,  even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.  Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.  This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all.  But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.  All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen. ~ 1 Timothy 1:12-17 (NLT)

Yes,  I destroyed those people who loves me and used them to feed my addiction until Jesus walked into my life once again on 12/3/12 when I looked at bottle of rum and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and time to do something with my life.

Jesus and I have been walking even since….

No matter how hopeless situation you are in…there is still a HOPE in Jesus!

Past Can Be Your Enemy or Lesson!

If I could go back in past and changed for better and I would have seen the better life!

I should have not do it…

I blame this person for destroying my life!

Everyone is neglecting me because who I am, let me go in past to change it!

List goes on!

It is very common reactions I received based on my conversation with strangers, friends, and families.

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE…I did not say some of us or several of us, had issues with their own past.  I recall my conversation with someone who I considered to be my spiritual mother during my early years of walking with Lord.  She used to say, “Everyone comes from broken home, even they have beautiful and loving family but there are still broken.  It is because EVERYONE have their own insecure in their own identity where it is missed from their life journey.”

On third season premiere of The Flash TV series which introduced the Flashpoint which was hinted during season two finale.  Barry Allen aka The Flash went into time traveling into the past to alter the timeline by saving his mother from being killed at hand of Reserve Flash. Flashpoint details an altered DC Universe and its timeline as it changed Barry Allen’s relationship with his loved ones in good and bad ways.  The Flashpoint storyline comic was originally published in 2011 by DC Comics, and it is one of best storylines in history.

Before The Flash jumped into past, he had difficult time dealing with death of his mother when he was boy at the hand of Reserve Flash.  The Flash witnessed the murder of his mother have caused to frame his own father and placed him in prison.   The Flash was being foster fathered by Joe West whom is a police detective, father of Iris West, following Barry Allen’s parents, Nora Allen’s death and Henry Allen’s incarceration.

All of us have common with Barry Allen, we had hard time letting go of our past!  He refused to let it go, he lived in bitterness about his death of his mother and his father being framed for murder.  He envisioned perfect family and he wished to grow up whole his childhood with his parents!  He was true superhero as The Flash at same time, he was man of anger.  His anger has caused him to have difficult time developing stability relationship with his loved ones and co-workers.  Also, he was struggling with sense of self-worth because of absence of his parents.  He hard time forgiving himself for letting his anger doing much harmful to those whom is dear to him.

Do you truly forgive yourself and others for what damage has been done toward you?  How can you define forgive?  In simple way of meaning: letting go, to pardon or acquit of sins.  Forgiving yourself and others in God’s eyes will enhance God to handle those problem in His way not your way.  Jesus was very clear about it as he said:

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins…” ~ Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

Forgiveness and Restoration is part of God’s natural character for God is full of grace and love.  Nothing can make God refuse your sin until you seek God with your whole heart.

Barry Allen aka The Flash recognized that after he saved his mother from Reserve Flash have caused much complicated in his life circumstances with his families, friends and co workers, some of them have went sour with Barry Allen.  It came to his sense that past need to be left in past and cannot be changed but only he can change about his past is to use as lesson for his life journey.

He was very determined to restore the timeline again by leaving the death of his mother in past and return to his current timeline.  Unfortunately, there are still some damage done to his current timeline which created another new reality of his timeline.  It is because he dared to travel back in time to fixed but it did have big effect on his current timeline, so therefore Barry Allen aka The Flash learned his expensive lesson and focus on making progress of restoration.

Our past can be filled with ugliness circumstances and what done damage to us have caused us to be etched for years.  Living in past than to seek forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration will cause to live in bitterness and anger can do much damage to whom are truly dear to us.

One of dear friends of mine whom I have work closely in past at Deaf Teen Ministry camp used to say:

Ongoing negative thinking will cause you to have impact on your life perspective and it can be very toxic perspective.

Remember we are not product of the past, so let close the door of past and not to open it again, or should I say “do not fish” at this lake since it is heavily polluted.

I wanted you to take look at one of scenes was taken out from Flashpoint comic storyline:

Reserve Flash is one of most deadly villains in The Flash universe, he wanted to do anything to destroy Barry Allen and all of his loved ones.  Reserve Flash wants to remind Barry Allen aka The Flash about his past life and his poor decision.  Reserve Flash reflects much like Satan.  Satan is known as the accuser and wants to remind you of your past filled with regrets.

Do not let it happen to you!  You are the product of the present and future, so let change be made and it starts with YOU! Healing is long-term journey, it is NOT like express lane or overnight change.   It takes time.  Seek God with whole of your heart and be honest with yourself.

 

I am no longer Captain Morgan! I am Captain for Jesus!

On December 3, 2012, at 6 pm, I took the final shot of rum and sat down on a recliner and my head was filled with racing thoughtful which gave myself with plenty of dilemmas.  Little I did realize I have to go to class next day at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (GCTS).

My previous marriage uttered into collapse!
Where will I go?
I am Deaf ministry leader, shame on me!
I am seminary student at GCTS and what can I do?
How can I do everything without support from loved one?
I am useless!
I am just void to anyone!

Those thoughts have been racing on my mind since my loved one left me on 11/29/12 which I saw it as beginning of the end!  My memories re-flooded made me think of “Fall From Grace” storyline featured in Daredevil #319-325 which was published in 1993.  It is the point where Matt Murdock as Daredevil went under major change it brought into a new identity and new direction since he is devout Catholic.

I sat on the recliner and said to myself I am completely failure!  I am completely ashamed of myself because I secretly led double life due to my deadly battle with alcoholism for 11 years.   I knew I cannot hold secret battle any longer.

One night, I was sitting motionlessly and been wonder what to do with my life without my loved one even to make matter worst, I cannot afford to continue making monthly apartment rent payment.  It is because the living expenses in Boston area is very expensive.   Somehow something snapped me out from being motionless!  A person’s name entered my mind:

Lita Schluter

Lita Schluter is a dean of student life at GCTS, she have been “mother spiritual” to many GCTS students.  I contacted her for a place to stay and told her what is happening with me.  She took my case to GCTS administration and it was approved that I am able to live on the campus.

It is the beginning of new chapter in my life, where I began to unfold many false beliefs because I have been living with the false identity.  Living on the campus of GCTS was blessings at the same time it was indeed nightmare due to being only Deaf student on the campus.

I began to look at myself and I grieved for many days!

On many nights, I would sneak into a chapel to spend hours filled with prayer and weeping even my weeping have been becoming very loud where many students can hear!

I began to look at mirror…..I looked at myself and realized how ugly I am! I am not speaking of my physical form, I am speaking of my soul! Immersion into booze has blackened my soul!  I was living in secret and I was busy in an attempt to be good Deaf ministry leader and get drunk in order to attacks those people who hurts me even attempt to make myself being a cool person.  It is because it shows how deep within me, I was a very hurtful person who suffered from being oppressed, manipulated, controlled, verbally abused and even been bullied!

My life was completely unfair! For years, I tried to voice out my own life perspective, opinions and my passions (movies, comics, & photography) but was often been neglected and been belittled.  I let my hurtful and withering soul as a displacement anger upon people.

I was completely lost and never truly feel being loved!  I personally knew I was loved by my beloved dad and mom.  I never understood the true love until I began my re-dedication to the Lord and my close walk with Jesus on December 3, 2012, and relocation to GCTS campus.  Things were never same again afterward!

On the summer of 2013, I was cruising through beach around Gloucester in North Shore of Massachusetts, one afternoon I was reading a book called “Altar Ego: Becoming Who God Says You Are” By Craig Groeschel on my kindle.  Holy Spirit sent soft encouraging and comforting words as said:
“You are no longer Mike, you are Michael!”

Michael is my new identity and it is actually my legal name was on my birth certification.  It is a sign of reborn in a presence of Christ.  God and I just made a special unspoken covenant that I will no longer use “Mike” because it represents old life.  “Michael” represents my reborn in Christ.  It reminds me of one verse:

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The Old life is gone; a new life has begun!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

Let me give you a bit commentary about this verse above:

“The Holy Spirit gives them new life, and they are not the same anymore. We are not reformed, rehabilitated, or reeducated- we are re-created (new creations), living in vital union with Christ.” ~Note from NLT New Testament Life Application Study Bible

I learn to rebuild my new life in Christ reflected based on Colossains 2:6-7:

“…now just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord you must continue to follow him.  Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” (NLT)

So therefore I am no longer naming myself as Mike because I am new person in Christ, so I am Michael not Mike!

My identity have been robbed and I was official victim of identity theft beginning around Spring 2001 until December 3, 2012.

Captain Morgan: You are Captain Morgan and I inherit you my identity and feels the power of rum inside you.  It will defines who you are!
Michael: You are simply delusional and rum brought me nothing but destruction!
Captain Morgan: My power of rum will give you everything you needs to become!
Michael: You are a just false god, you are nothing and my true life is in Christ!
Captain Morgan:….

Every day, I learned to focus one time a day by investing myself in the Kingdom of God through Jesus!  Nothing is better than just finding a restful soul in the presence of Jesus!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nobody Understands Who I am!

-Oh, you are taking anti-depressant medication? Don’t you have enough faith in God?
-Look at this person, he/she is truly insane!
-This person is so ANNOYING and talking REPETITIVE!
-He/She is full of anger and there is nothing good about him/her!
-Look at this person, he/she is truly crazy and why are he/she here?

There are plenty of stigmas made toward those people who are diagnosed with mental illness where there are no compassion, kindness, grace and love involved.

People living with mental illness are becoming unfortunate and less fortunate people in society even what become worse is it is already happening in Christianity communities.   How embarrassed, it is when being rejected by Christians where there is an epic failure because of no empathic!

I do personally admit that I am one of those among less fortunate people because I am mental illness survivor since I am diagnosed with manic-depressive and post-traumatic stress disorder!  It made me feel I am not being loved within Christianity community.

My BIGGEST question of all did Christians or should I say so-called Christian (it is because they didn’t actually have deep intimacy relationship with God) truly understand or do not even bother to do some kind of exegesis about “A Story About a Big Banquet?” It is a parable was told by Jesus in Luke 14:15-24 as it said:

One of those at the table with Jesus heard these things and said to him, “Blessed are the people who will share in the meal in God’s kingdom.”

Jesus said to him, “A man gave a big banquet and invited many people.  When it was time to eat, the man sent his servant to tell the guests, ‘Come. Everything is ready.’

 “But all the guests made excuses. The first one said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go look at it. Please excuse me.’  Another said, ‘I have just bought five pairs of oxen; I must go and try them. Please excuse me.’  A third person said, ‘I just got married; I can’t come.’  So the servant returned and told his master what had happened. Then the master became angry and said, ‘Go at once into the streets and alleys of the town, and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.’  Later the servant said to him, ‘Master, I did what you commanded, but we still have room.’  The master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes, and urge the people there to come so my house will be full.  I tell you, none of those whom I invited first will eat with me.’” (NCV)

Did you see a lot of those people turned down the invitation to God’s banquet, it is because they are too busy with their own affairs than to find time to seek what God has to offer!  Those invitations went to less fortunate people!   What make matter much worst those people who rejected those invitations left no room for love at the banquet!

It is exactly been happening in today’s church even in past time too!  What is becoming much tragic in ministry field that many of those ministry leaders are not trained or even being educated on how to help those people who are diagnosed with mental illness.  People diagnosed with mental illness needs extra support, encouragement, comfortable and even more patience.

You have no idea how difficult it has become of them in their life journey, it requires extra time to listen to their story and how they are diagnosed with mental illness based on DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which are commonly diagnosed by psychiatrists and clinicians.

Often of the time, the people with mental illness do have treatment plan where it will help them to maintain their life within society.  Also, you guys within ministry field who have no medical license have no business to tell what to do with their medications and treatment plan.  If you are becoming concern about them just learn to ask and listen to them and how you could be helpful toward them.

Number one Important of whole all things above do not even talk about them behind their back or make any kind of assumption.  If you do like that then you are not showing true love or showing cherish about them.  They are God’s children so treat them with love.  You have no idea how they have been unloved for a long time.

I wanted to close with verse:

“If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to life.  But a person who has no live is still dead.  Anyone who hates another brother or sister is reallty murderer at heart.  And you know that murders don’t have eternal life within them.” ~ 1 John 4:14-15 (NLT)