Spit Upon Christ’s Face!

You better get off medication and you need to increase your faith in healing your mental illness!

Oh He (or She) abused you physically, verbally and emotionally, how?  Domestic Violence?!?!  You need to honor your spouse if not and you are suffering the consequence of your behavior!

You always come to church being drunken, You NEED TO STOP DRINKING too much!  Look at you, you are embarrassment to all of us in church!

List going on!

I knew you had HEARD PLENTY of cruelty message in church!

All of us are IGNORANCE!  We failed to see church as true place for wounded souls instead we see it as club for the SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS people.

My question for you how would you feel if Jesus Christ is walking inside church and watching you guys giving those cruelty message to broken and less fortunate people!

 

Believe it or not, if Jesus is walking in today’s generation, and trust me…he will still finds PLENTY of hypocrisy acts in church.  He did not care about your biblical knowledge or your talents in ministry field.  He is not concern about it.  He is talking about your heart!

My years of battle with alcoholism have left me with distorted view of church.  They would tell me:

• Stop drinking too much
• You are acting differently
• You are hurting others
• You need professional help
• Look at yourself, you are getting worse

Yes, all of those was said to me without looking at my unbearable pain, they are so obsessed one objective:

You need to STOP drinking, pray more and have more faith!

It made me wonder would Jesus said to me?  My answer is NO!  Jesus will come and sit down and give me hugs and touch my unbearable pain as it let be disclosed in eyes of Jesus.  The perfect love cast out fear as said in 1 John 4:18.  Finding comfortable place where restless soul can be soothed by God is greatly needed in church.

 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.~ 1 John 4:18 (NLT)

Unfortunately all of us failed to comfort and give gracious encouragement even take role of being advocator in help getting someone to seek resources where it is not available in church.

Often the members of church are untrained to help others or will figure out on how to “self-medicating” method in helping others where there are resources outside church.  Even believe it or not, grace-filled Christians are doing same thing because they do not KNOW HOW to do it.

God is EVERYWHERE!

Most of time, churches are untrained to handle the procedure of:

• Deadly Addiction Behavior
• Domestic Violence
• Mental Health
• Divorce

List going on all kinds of sensitive training is greatly needed at churches.

Are you licensed to tell others to discontinue their medication which help cope with their mental illness? Can you tell other to stop taking medication for diabetic, high cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, or other kinds of health condition needs to be medicated?  Think about it?  It is like crossing over boundaries of medical practice where.  Do you dare to mow your neighbor’s lawn where it is overgrown?  It is disrespect toward their property as it is not your property.  So therefore let licensed doctor handles it not you!  If you are concern just share with loving and gracious message!  They do not needs nasty message from you, they have dealt with it enough already!

Unfortunately, we NEGLECTED and to make matter much worst, we send cruelty message as part of our judging attention upon other.

SHUNNING others will cause their faith to be deteriorating.   Who is responsible for it? You…sort of!

When I was going through separation and divorce progress, I was walking like lonely warrior and I did not have any kinds of support group for marriage dissolution when my marriage ended at beginning of separation in late 2012.  I was confused because I was given messages with kinda of sarcastic, hissing & cruelty tone!  However, I did acknowledge those few true friends plus seminary friends who was there to send me very comforting and encouraging messages to fight through it.

Often of time, I wanted to relapse and tell the world F*** You and let drown myself into rum because I was given with cold and cruelty messages!  But I chose not to do it, I knew it will make much worse!  I chose to walk down the path with Jesus and learn to seek God than finding false peace in rum!

I forgive those who spit upon my face actually not my face upon the face of Christ.  Christ is standing by me as he wept over those His children who are ignorance and untrained.

I do not blame those who feel so scared or never experienced with situation but remember it is part of life journey where it need to be loved and be comforted.

Am I alone? Nah, I have heard PLENTY of horror stories from recovering addicts, mental illness survivors, and others.   I felt much comfort being with them because we are carrying the “Ragamuffin” gospel, it is what Jesus did on earth!

If you are not sure on how to help do not say those are uncalled for, just be listener and ask what you can offer to help and be good advocator toward whoever needs your time.

It is what Jesus did for us!

Mother Teresa, one of well-known and loving servants for God made statement about judging others:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Make sense?  If not sure just say nothing and be listener, and seek help (do not stand do nothing)…no wonder James wrote in book of James about it as he said:

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?  Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing,  and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? ~ James 2:14-16 (NLT)

Be wise in what you are doing and let it give whole glory to God!

Past Can Be Your Enemy or Lesson!

If I could go back in past and changed for better and I would have seen the better life!

I should have not do it…

I blame this person for destroying my life!

Everyone is neglecting me because who I am, let me go in past to change it!

List goes on!

It is very common reactions I received based on my conversation with strangers, friends, and families.

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE…I did not say some of us or several of us, had issues with their own past.  I recall my conversation with someone who I considered to be my spiritual mother during my early years of walking with Lord.  She used to say, “Everyone comes from broken home, even they have beautiful and loving family but there are still broken.  It is because EVERYONE have their own insecure in their own identity where it is missed from their life journey.”

On third season premiere of The Flash TV series which introduced the Flashpoint which was hinted during season two finale.  Barry Allen aka The Flash went into time traveling into the past to alter the timeline by saving his mother from being killed at hand of Reserve Flash. Flashpoint details an altered DC Universe and its timeline as it changed Barry Allen’s relationship with his loved ones in good and bad ways.  The Flashpoint storyline comic was originally published in 2011 by DC Comics, and it is one of best storylines in history.

Before The Flash jumped into past, he had difficult time dealing with death of his mother when he was boy at the hand of Reserve Flash.  The Flash witnessed the murder of his mother have caused to frame his own father and placed him in prison.   The Flash was being foster fathered by Joe West whom is a police detective, father of Iris West, following Barry Allen’s parents, Nora Allen’s death and Henry Allen’s incarceration.

All of us have common with Barry Allen, we had hard time letting go of our past!  He refused to let it go, he lived in bitterness about his death of his mother and his father being framed for murder.  He envisioned perfect family and he wished to grow up whole his childhood with his parents!  He was true superhero as The Flash at same time, he was man of anger.  His anger has caused him to have difficult time developing stability relationship with his loved ones and co-workers.  Also, he was struggling with sense of self-worth because of absence of his parents.  He hard time forgiving himself for letting his anger doing much harmful to those whom is dear to him.

Do you truly forgive yourself and others for what damage has been done toward you?  How can you define forgive?  In simple way of meaning: letting go, to pardon or acquit of sins.  Forgiving yourself and others in God’s eyes will enhance God to handle those problem in His way not your way.  Jesus was very clear about it as he said:

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins…” ~ Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

Forgiveness and Restoration is part of God’s natural character for God is full of grace and love.  Nothing can make God refuse your sin until you seek God with your whole heart.

Barry Allen aka The Flash recognized that after he saved his mother from Reserve Flash have caused much complicated in his life circumstances with his families, friends and co workers, some of them have went sour with Barry Allen.  It came to his sense that past need to be left in past and cannot be changed but only he can change about his past is to use as lesson for his life journey.

He was very determined to restore the timeline again by leaving the death of his mother in past and return to his current timeline.  Unfortunately, there are still some damage done to his current timeline which created another new reality of his timeline.  It is because he dared to travel back in time to fixed but it did have big effect on his current timeline, so therefore Barry Allen aka The Flash learned his expensive lesson and focus on making progress of restoration.

Our past can be filled with ugliness circumstances and what done damage to us have caused us to be etched for years.  Living in past than to seek forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration will cause to live in bitterness and anger can do much damage to whom are truly dear to us.

One of dear friends of mine whom I have work closely in past at Deaf Teen Ministry camp used to say:

Ongoing negative thinking will cause you to have impact on your life perspective and it can be very toxic perspective.

Remember we are not product of the past, so let close the door of past and not to open it again, or should I say “do not fish” at this lake since it is heavily polluted.

I wanted you to take look at one of scenes was taken out from Flashpoint comic storyline:

Reserve Flash is one of most deadly villains in The Flash universe, he wanted to do anything to destroy Barry Allen and all of his loved ones.  Reserve Flash wants to remind Barry Allen aka The Flash about his past life and his poor decision.  Reserve Flash reflects much like Satan.  Satan is known as the accuser and wants to remind you of your past filled with regrets.

Do not let it happen to you!  You are the product of the present and future, so let change be made and it starts with YOU! Healing is long-term journey, it is NOT like express lane or overnight change.   It takes time.  Seek God with whole of your heart and be honest with yourself.

 

My Dad & Me!

What is father to you?  Father is a figure who take central as part of your life and be filled with unconditional love where there is grace, compassion and been very understanding.

It is something I have been struggling to understand after living in pain and anger for long time after being belittled and been oppressed by someone who took over father role even I was taught with some kind of distorting moral values in my life caused me to have very confusing perspective about life itself.  My true father was absence from my life for many years.

It brought me much confusion, anger, fear and filled with bitterness toward God which landed me into alcoholism. Even I got to admit, I was leading double life in ministry field and I wore mask where I hid my ugly wounded soul.  I drank too much because I did not realize I was trying to nurse my own unspoken pain upon my heart due too many rejections, lack of self-worthy, low self-esteem, and lack of respect.

One afternoon, one letter arrived during Spring of 2006, that letter was addressed to me from my true father that I have not hear from him in over decade!  My mind was blew when I read the letter with beautiful card.  This letter from my father expressed his strong passion in seeking reconciliation of father & son relationship.  It is true beginning of my long journey of inner healing.

Prior to reconciliation, my dad was wonderful father to me since I was born until in 1984, it changes everything when my mom made cunning plan from my dad by telling him that she wanted to go away for break with me in New York City.  After our arrival in New York City, my mom told my dad on phone as what my mom told me:

Your dad and I are divorcing…we are staying here!

It left me in very confusing and filled with missing pieces to puzzle in my life.  However, my mom continues to send me to visit my dad every summer until I reached my adulthood it is when I finished my high school at Model Secondary School for the Deaf and are in preparation to enter Gallaudet University.  It is where at this point, I began to get very confusing and been brainwashed as I was misled about my dad which apart us for over a decade before we are reconciled in 2006.

My earliest of my cherished memories with my Dad in 1970s to late 1980s:

My Dad was holding me when I was only 8 months old in 1973.

My Dad was helping me feeding goats at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and me at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and I were fooling around as we were in boxing match. My Dad was hardcore fan of boxing, picture was taken in 1982.

My Dad, Auntie Lucy and Me had taken picture with Lakers player, Chuck Nevitt during summer of 1985.

I wanted to share the earliest of my cherished memories of my dad and I spending together for last time before an incident truly apart us for many years:

Our together at Disneyland was one of best and earliest memories of us being together last time before it set us apart for years before we are reunited in 2006.

Our relationship as father and son have developed and healed our old wounded slowly since our reunion in 2006. I began to understand my dad and at same time he learned to understand and where I came from.  When I fell into alcoholism, it caused my dad to grow closer to me and trying to understand in uncovering about my hidden and unspoken pain.  He was always there for me, my step mother, Pamela have been biggest support and been encouraging in everything to see my relationship with my dad become strong.

It is our reunion in 2006 when I visited my dad in Northern California, it was taken in Chester, California:

Our reunion during summer of 2006 in Chester, California.

When I lost everything in 2012, my previous marriage, career, my beautiful apartment, my beautiful Shetland Sheepdog Liberty.  My dad was very determined to be there for me and be able to spend every moment as he can to help me to ensure I get all professional help and seek God as part of my ongoing inner healing journey.   He never looked down on me, he was full of grace and love at same time he expressed his grave concern for my life.

During my stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me about true love began with relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father is full of love where it helped me to understand my dad and it brought healing to the fullest and even I learned to forgive my dad for being absence from my life and also forgive those one who tried to father me whom belittled & oppressed me which leave me with sense of lack of self-worthy when my dad was not in my life for many years.

As years passed by since 2006, I began to see my dad as my hero and biggest influence in my life, God have answered my long unanswered prayer to get my dad back in my life.  Looking in my dad’s eyes and heart have helped me understand myself as God shaped my life for His whole glory.

It is why God is God of restoration and kept His promise upon my life.  It is true evidence of how God shaped my life!

O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
    so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help. ~Psalm 86:5 (NLT)

When I was engaged to my Gorgeous Sunflower Tami Jo last year, and my dad promised me that he will come down to our wedding among with my step mother, Pamela.  It came true, God did something above what I expected! I learned to forgive my mom for what she did to me and she was very supportive toward my restoration of relationship with my dad since 2006.   Even what became more blessing to me.  My dad and mom have not seen each other since 1984 as I got to have both of them with me in picture which I have not one since 1984.

Here is the picture of My Dad and I at our wedding on February 14, 2016 in Fayetteville, North California:

It perfectly fits what God promised me:

 

 

I am no longer Captain Morgan! I am Captain for Jesus!

On December 3, 2012, at 6 pm, I took the final shot of rum and sat down on a recliner and my head was filled with racing thoughtful which gave myself with plenty of dilemmas.  Little I did realize I have to go to class next day at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (GCTS).

My previous marriage uttered into collapse!
Where will I go?
I am Deaf ministry leader, shame on me!
I am seminary student at GCTS and what can I do?
How can I do everything without support from loved one?
I am useless!
I am just void to anyone!

Those thoughts have been racing on my mind since my loved one left me on 11/29/12 which I saw it as beginning of the end!  My memories re-flooded made me think of “Fall From Grace” storyline featured in Daredevil #319-325 which was published in 1993.  It is the point where Matt Murdock as Daredevil went under major change it brought into a new identity and new direction since he is devout Catholic.

I sat on the recliner and said to myself I am completely failure!  I am completely ashamed of myself because I secretly led double life due to my deadly battle with alcoholism for 11 years.   I knew I cannot hold secret battle any longer.

One night, I was sitting motionlessly and been wonder what to do with my life without my loved one even to make matter worst, I cannot afford to continue making monthly apartment rent payment.  It is because the living expenses in Boston area is very expensive.   Somehow something snapped me out from being motionless!  A person’s name entered my mind:

Lita Schluter

Lita Schluter is a dean of student life at GCTS, she have been “mother spiritual” to many GCTS students.  I contacted her for a place to stay and told her what is happening with me.  She took my case to GCTS administration and it was approved that I am able to live on the campus.

It is the beginning of new chapter in my life, where I began to unfold many false beliefs because I have been living with the false identity.  Living on the campus of GCTS was blessings at the same time it was indeed nightmare due to being only Deaf student on the campus.

I began to look at myself and I grieved for many days!

On many nights, I would sneak into a chapel to spend hours filled with prayer and weeping even my weeping have been becoming very loud where many students can hear!

I began to look at mirror…..I looked at myself and realized how ugly I am! I am not speaking of my physical form, I am speaking of my soul! Immersion into booze has blackened my soul!  I was living in secret and I was busy in an attempt to be good Deaf ministry leader and get drunk in order to attacks those people who hurts me even attempt to make myself being a cool person.  It is because it shows how deep within me, I was a very hurtful person who suffered from being oppressed, manipulated, controlled, verbally abused and even been bullied!

My life was completely unfair! For years, I tried to voice out my own life perspective, opinions and my passions (movies, comics, & photography) but was often been neglected and been belittled.  I let my hurtful and withering soul as a displacement anger upon people.

I was completely lost and never truly feel being loved!  I personally knew I was loved by my beloved dad and mom.  I never understood the true love until I began my re-dedication to the Lord and my close walk with Jesus on December 3, 2012, and relocation to GCTS campus.  Things were never same again afterward!

On the summer of 2013, I was cruising through beach around Gloucester in North Shore of Massachusetts, one afternoon I was reading a book called “Altar Ego: Becoming Who God Says You Are” By Craig Groeschel on my kindle.  Holy Spirit sent soft encouraging and comforting words as said:
“You are no longer Mike, you are Michael!”

Michael is my new identity and it is actually my legal name was on my birth certification.  It is a sign of reborn in a presence of Christ.  God and I just made a special unspoken covenant that I will no longer use “Mike” because it represents old life.  “Michael” represents my reborn in Christ.  It reminds me of one verse:

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The Old life is gone; a new life has begun!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

Let me give you a bit commentary about this verse above:

“The Holy Spirit gives them new life, and they are not the same anymore. We are not reformed, rehabilitated, or reeducated- we are re-created (new creations), living in vital union with Christ.” ~Note from NLT New Testament Life Application Study Bible

I learn to rebuild my new life in Christ reflected based on Colossains 2:6-7:

“…now just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord you must continue to follow him.  Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” (NLT)

So therefore I am no longer naming myself as Mike because I am new person in Christ, so I am Michael not Mike!

My identity have been robbed and I was official victim of identity theft beginning around Spring 2001 until December 3, 2012.

Captain Morgan: You are Captain Morgan and I inherit you my identity and feels the power of rum inside you.  It will defines who you are!
Michael: You are simply delusional and rum brought me nothing but destruction!
Captain Morgan: My power of rum will give you everything you needs to become!
Michael: You are a just false god, you are nothing and my true life is in Christ!
Captain Morgan:….

Every day, I learned to focus one time a day by investing myself in the Kingdom of God through Jesus!  Nothing is better than just finding a restful soul in the presence of Jesus!