People Are Your Mirror….

I am fine!

Stop telling me!

You think you know me? You don’t know me!

You are concerned about me…oh I’m doing good!

Seems familiar to you as alcoholic addict?

It was taken from page of Marvel Comics’ Main Storyline Civil War II, which was published in 2016.

When was your last drink?

Captain America knew Iron Man very well

They fought together for many years on many occasions, especially when serving their time for the Avengers. Even they have their own personal conflicts and disagreements on their own. However, it did not stop them being a friend.

Captain America was gracious enough to confront Iron Man about his personal disagreement. He saw something oddly in Iron Man. It’s why he asked him when he had his last drink?

Often of us like to deny the reality of what is happening to us!  Little we did realize that deadly addiction is doing much damage to our mental function, physical and our spiritual growth.

Did you see Captain America as he said: Control issue, trust issue, paranoia, & manic behavior.  He suspects something is differing from being a normal Iron Man.   He is not concerned about his role as Iron Man, he is concerned about his friendship with Tony Stark.

Have someone voice their own concern about you are being a different person than you are?

Are you hiding your own pain, you don’t want someone to pry in your pain, which are too much for someone to bear it?  Feeling hopeless about your own pain?  Where do you turn to for help? You must be married to deadly addictive behavior so it can ease off your pain.

Altered reality kicks on as the pain disappears! Once the under the influence of drinking disappears, then the pains resurface!

Be aware Lord can use ANYONE to get his messages to you EVEN those whom are outsiders too.

I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you. ~ Psalm 32:8 (NLT)

All of us carry with the attitude of “I am the only person in the world with too many problems and I’m beyond the repair!”

Sorry to say that there are MANY people felt this way as you felt.

Really, you cannot fool those people with your baloney talk even no matter how many drinks you had!  They can see your appearance are changing even the way you are talking and thinking.

I used to tell them, how I am good I am and I knew how to control with drinking issues, but little I did realize that my well-being is seriously deteriorating!

No matter how you felt that your situation are beyond the repair, there is ALWAYS a hope for you!  Jesus gave very encouraging and comforting words as he said:

“Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26 (NLT)

You need to admit it yourself, none of us can fix you.  No matter how much people tried to fix you, you will be always on the point of being miserable!  You know why? You will not admit it until you finally admit that you are powerless over the overwhelming problems and realized you cannot handle alone.  The only way you can do is seek God with your remorseful heart, then change will take place!

Who makes the decision?

YOU!

NOT US!

Trust me, I was there and once you make decisions in the eyes of God, then you will see changeable in your life.

NOT ME! NOT ME!

On one of beautiful late morning of Sundays, I was reading one of Locke & Key issues which was published by IDW Comic.  Locke & Key was one of best horror comic stories! I was flipping through issue of Locke & Key as my wife Sunflower was driving in deep forest somewhere on base of Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

Something caught my attention, I shouted to myself, “That’s it”

Sunflower was giving me kind of “huh” facial expression!

“Perfect for me to do blogging on that one!”

I scanned perfect picture of what I am seeing:

Does it rings me? You betcha!

Does it ring you also?

You need to ask YOURSELF!  I have PLENTY of stories to tell you about how HIDEOUS man I am!  I am MAN with too many secrets!  I always found a way to hid the bottle of rum, it is my self-medicating for my unbearable pain!  Looking at this picture above brought back painful memories where someone whom have been once dearly to me found my behavior very erratic.

Wanted to know one of my darkest secrets?  I stole PLENTY of money from those people even strangers so I can use their money to feed my addiction by making numerous trip to liquor store and get supersize bottle of rum.  Yes I am very sickening man!   I managed to manipulate those people who have been dearly to give me money or even let me manage their money.  I even deceived someone who have been dearly to me for many years that I will take care of grocery shopping but I managed to find a way to get cash back after paying groceries, so I can use those cash to get bottle of rum!

Another sickening thing I can share when there was big party at ballroom in honoring my old family friends.  I managed to sneaked into coat room and checked for cashes in their coats and jackets.  I raked in many dollars.  What did I do with it, GET darn bottle of rum!

I was HOPELESS man and I managed to hid a lot of those bottles of rum everywhere in my apartment when I used to live in Boston area.

Picture above remind me of unexplainable grace of God who found a way in my life and pulled me away by stripped everything have been meaningful in my life.  My sickening behavior was brought to light.

No wonder Jesus was very clear about sinful behavior will be brought to light as he said:

For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.~Luke 8:17 (NLT)

Make sense?  I recall when being alcoholic addict, I always came up with many fable stories in order to make an excuse for my immersion into alcoholism and also I keep saying to myself and others:

“I do not have any problem with drinking and I am not alcoholic addict!  SO NOT ME! Look at me, I managed to go work and do things fine.”

I was deceiving myself and little I did realized those people who are around me KNEW my well-being appearance are seriously deteriorating!  It is because I let booze WRECKED who I am.  I lost myself, and engaged myself into false fantasies and denied the reality!

Jesus was very clear about what he said in Luke 8:17.  Also King David mentioned about hiding sinful deeds which is like cancer to the soul in eyes of God, it is sapping the strength of spiritual growth as he mentioned it in book of Psalms.

I can relate much to an Apostle Paul as he said:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him,  even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.  Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.  This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all.  But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.  All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen. ~ 1 Timothy 1:12-17 (NLT)

Yes,  I destroyed those people who loves me and used them to feed my addiction until Jesus walked into my life once again on 12/3/12 when I looked at bottle of rum and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and time to do something with my life.

Jesus and I have been walking even since….

No matter how hopeless situation you are in…there is still a HOPE in Jesus!

My Dad & Me!

What is father to you?  Father is a figure who take central as part of your life and be filled with unconditional love where there is grace, compassion and been very understanding.

It is something I have been struggling to understand after living in pain and anger for long time after being belittled and been oppressed by someone who took over father role even I was taught with some kind of distorting moral values in my life caused me to have very confusing perspective about life itself.  My true father was absence from my life for many years.

It brought me much confusion, anger, fear and filled with bitterness toward God which landed me into alcoholism. Even I got to admit, I was leading double life in ministry field and I wore mask where I hid my ugly wounded soul.  I drank too much because I did not realize I was trying to nurse my own unspoken pain upon my heart due too many rejections, lack of self-worthy, low self-esteem, and lack of respect.

One afternoon, one letter arrived during Spring of 2006, that letter was addressed to me from my true father that I have not hear from him in over decade!  My mind was blew when I read the letter with beautiful card.  This letter from my father expressed his strong passion in seeking reconciliation of father & son relationship.  It is true beginning of my long journey of inner healing.

Prior to reconciliation, my dad was wonderful father to me since I was born until in 1984, it changes everything when my mom made cunning plan from my dad by telling him that she wanted to go away for break with me in New York City.  After our arrival in New York City, my mom told my dad on phone as what my mom told me:

Your dad and I are divorcing…we are staying here!

It left me in very confusing and filled with missing pieces to puzzle in my life.  However, my mom continues to send me to visit my dad every summer until I reached my adulthood it is when I finished my high school at Model Secondary School for the Deaf and are in preparation to enter Gallaudet University.  It is where at this point, I began to get very confusing and been brainwashed as I was misled about my dad which apart us for over a decade before we are reconciled in 2006.

My earliest of my cherished memories with my Dad in 1970s to late 1980s:

My Dad was holding me when I was only 8 months old in 1973.

My Dad was helping me feeding goats at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and me at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and I were fooling around as we were in boxing match. My Dad was hardcore fan of boxing, picture was taken in 1982.

My Dad, Auntie Lucy and Me had taken picture with Lakers player, Chuck Nevitt during summer of 1985.

I wanted to share the earliest of my cherished memories of my dad and I spending together for last time before an incident truly apart us for many years:

Our together at Disneyland was one of best and earliest memories of us being together last time before it set us apart for years before we are reunited in 2006.

Our relationship as father and son have developed and healed our old wounded slowly since our reunion in 2006. I began to understand my dad and at same time he learned to understand and where I came from.  When I fell into alcoholism, it caused my dad to grow closer to me and trying to understand in uncovering about my hidden and unspoken pain.  He was always there for me, my step mother, Pamela have been biggest support and been encouraging in everything to see my relationship with my dad become strong.

It is our reunion in 2006 when I visited my dad in Northern California, it was taken in Chester, California:

Our reunion during summer of 2006 in Chester, California.

When I lost everything in 2012, my previous marriage, career, my beautiful apartment, my beautiful Shetland Sheepdog Liberty.  My dad was very determined to be there for me and be able to spend every moment as he can to help me to ensure I get all professional help and seek God as part of my ongoing inner healing journey.   He never looked down on me, he was full of grace and love at same time he expressed his grave concern for my life.

During my stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me about true love began with relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father is full of love where it helped me to understand my dad and it brought healing to the fullest and even I learned to forgive my dad for being absence from my life and also forgive those one who tried to father me whom belittled & oppressed me which leave me with sense of lack of self-worthy when my dad was not in my life for many years.

As years passed by since 2006, I began to see my dad as my hero and biggest influence in my life, God have answered my long unanswered prayer to get my dad back in my life.  Looking in my dad’s eyes and heart have helped me understand myself as God shaped my life for His whole glory.

It is why God is God of restoration and kept His promise upon my life.  It is true evidence of how God shaped my life!

O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
    so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help. ~Psalm 86:5 (NLT)

When I was engaged to my Gorgeous Sunflower Tami Jo last year, and my dad promised me that he will come down to our wedding among with my step mother, Pamela.  It came true, God did something above what I expected! I learned to forgive my mom for what she did to me and she was very supportive toward my restoration of relationship with my dad since 2006.   Even what became more blessing to me.  My dad and mom have not seen each other since 1984 as I got to have both of them with me in picture which I have not one since 1984.

Here is the picture of My Dad and I at our wedding on February 14, 2016 in Fayetteville, North California:

It perfectly fits what God promised me:

 

 

Vengeance has consumed you…

“Vengeance has consumed you. It’s consuming them. I am done letting it consume me.”

T’Challa aka Black Panther (one of main characters from Captain America: Civil War) made stunning quote toward Helmut Zemo!

Do you lost faith in humanity because of senseless and meaningless evil behavioral performed on earth where you see too much negativity and toxic on media? Is it too much for you to witness?

Where does we turn to? God is our hope in senseless and meaningless situations where you see there is no justice being done. Do you feel you want to take law in your own hands and do those things to them who have hurt you badly? Are you letting bitterness take over your soul because you sense something is being done toward you in very unfair way!

It is what Helmut Zemo did; he is the man with full of anger! Let me provide you with brief background of Helmut Zemo. Helmut Zemo was first introduced in page of Captain America #168 in 1973 but did not officially become Helmut Zero until #275.   He is considered one of most cunning and deadly villains in Marvel Comic Universe. He is great known for partnering with evil empire such as Master of Evil, Hydra, and Secret Empire and even he has collaborated with Red Skull.

Helmut Zemo chose to take law in his own hands after what did to his homeland, Sokovia that was told in Avengers: Age of Ultron. His secret agenda was true intention to destroy the Avengers in Captain America: Civil War.  After Helmut Zemo revealed the secret videotape footage which shown Bucky Barnes (his mind was controlled by Hydra), which killed Tony Stark aka Iron Man’s parents in front of Iron Man’s eyes. Captain America KNEW what was hidden in video footage!

That is why Captain America was very determined to take stand and made every attempt to reason with Iron Man as he was defending his childhood friend, Bucky Barnes.  Captain America made statement which what Jesus would does to us:

“He Said ‘Bucky’ And Suddenly I Was That 16-Year-Old Boy From Brooklyn Again.”

What point of this quote above, Captain America emphasized Hydra brainwashed Bucky Barnes and Bucky lost control of his freedom in his life.  It is acting of grace even Captain America knew what is in footage, he wanted to defend Iron Man from hurting himself and do harmful things in future.

Captain America never give up on his close friend, Bucky Barnes, it is because he loved him as it is like his real brother.  Captain America cherished his memories with Bucky when they are young together in Brooklyn!

Black Panther learned what Helmut Zemo did to them, he stopped him from committing suicide after bloody battle between Captain America & Bucky Barnes and Iron Man.  Black Panther realized vengeance is bring out nothing but destruction for it own soul.

Refusal of forgiven will plant the root of bitterness in you in what it consumed Helmut Zemo.   It is why Jesus made very clear about importance of forgiving others as he talked about parable on unforgiving debtor:

“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.  He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

“But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

“But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.^[d] He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

“His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters^[e] from your heart.”

~Matthew 18:23-35 (NCV)

In my own sense and interpretation, Captain America had to take Bucky Barnes away from Iron Man after bloody battle in order to protect Bucky Barnes and even protected Iron Man too.  Captain America wrote heartened letter to Iron Man because he loved him as friend and will be there for him in aftermath event of Civil War.

What Captain America did was out of love as what Jesus did to us!  Jesus walked on earth to bring grace and love to those who feel there is no hope in them when their past are full of ugly.

Captain America believed in grace, love and compassion as what Jesus did.  Captain America have heart of Jesus!

No wonder Captain America’s famous quote:

“I’m with you till the end of the line”